"A penis by any other name is still a penis"

"Where's your penis Nanna?" My 2 year old asked my mother in law last week. "I don't have one darling. I'm a girl, I have a vagina like mummy and your sister. You are a boy, you have a penis like Daddy and H" said Nanna calmly. Inside I was applauding her! Hooray for Nan! Yes it is a Penis, not a Doodle or a Willy or a Wally. I was not at all shocked by my son's question - but I was pleasantly surprised by my MILs answer. Penis is word of the month at the moment in our house. Our son's vocabularly is on a steady incline and he's very interested in his body and how it all works. As we will be starting toilet training soon, it is great that he is so excited about his genitalia.

In our family we use the correct terms for everything right from the get go; Including ALL our body parts. As Shakespeare once said "a penis by any other name is still a penis" or at least that's what I'm sure he would have said - had a toddler been asking him questions. So why give it a silly name. You see, this is a very important topic for a number of reasons. Firstly, using correct terms empowers children to have ownership over their bodies. It builds self esteem and gives them the confidence to respect and look after their bodies as they grow and develop. Secondly, it assists with practical tasks such as toileting and hygiene. Thirdly, it decreases vulnerability and is a known protective factor against child sexual abuse. If children feel confident about their bodies and have standard language to describe their body parts, not only can they speak up if they have any concerns, but if they should ever need to, they can provide accurate descriptions for forensic purposes. Having worked for a number of years in child protection, juvenile justice and then adult corrections, this is frighteningly more important than you might think. I'm now finding in my current role at work, it's also important in discussing sexual ethics with adolescents and young adults.

Even if you want to park those three well established reasons to one side; having honest discussions using age appropriate methods and correct terms builds a strong foundation for other crucial conversations in the years ahead about sexual development, puberty and sexuality.

A word of warning not all people will appreciate this approach or level of honesty. Despite being recommended by leading paediatricians, psychologists and sexual health professionals.  There are many adults in my generation and my parents generation who will cringe or giggle at the words Penis, Scrotum, Vagina, Valva, Labia and so forth. There are others who will object on the basis of protecting childhood innocence (What the?). So be prepared to meet some resistance or at least some awkward silences. I have come to embrace these awkward social moments as just another parenting badge of honour.

My first real experience of this was when H was about 2 during a visit to the post office. I was holding him as we stood in line to pick up a parcel. He starts pointing at people in the queue in turn, "Penis, Penis, Vagina, Penis, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina ..." he says VERY loudly, correctly identifying the anatomical term with the gender of the people in the queue. Of course this was met with many giggles, a few embarrassed looks, and one older lady looked completely appalled. So despite my internal monologue of social panic, I say, a little louder than usual "That's right darling men have penises and women have vaginas. You're a clever boy to know that. " Of course I hold my head up high and feel proud that I have a smart toddler. Then he says even louder "I have a penis Mummy and you have a VAGINA don't you". "Yes" I say (turning a little red) "That's right." I can see the shoulders of the man in front of me vibrating as he tries to contain his amusement. Then H says, "Can I have some of those stickers please Mum?" "Sure" I say relieved and we make it to the front of the line without any more anatomy lessons. Since then, there have been many a public discussion about genitals, and bodily functions, breast feeding and most recently "The sex". Some topics are being re-visited as our 2 year-old discusses his latest discovery and some are new ground as our 8 year old tests the validity of the school yard banter. In the years ahead I'll have to learn to address new questions from our daughter. It's mostly water off a duck's back these days, but that's not to say it won't take another difficult turn in the years ahead.

Thinking back now to the post office story, I wonder why I was so embarrassed by my son's display of new found knowledge. I knew enough to hold it all together and just respond naturally and calmly to his questions. At home I would not have even batted an eyelid at his comments. But out in public with others judging his behaviour, I felt awkward. I'm sure it's partly because growing up my parents and other adults did not use the correct terms for "private parts" or have such frank discussion about "down there". They used "willy and fanny and even pussy" HELLO that has to be more embarrassing than the correct words. I even mistakenly called hairy armpits "pussy pits" as a young child - My Goodness!! Why didn't anyone correct that little error! Just typing that makes me blush with extreme embarassment.

I can't be too hard on my parents I guess. When my mother was a child they weren't even aloud to speak at the dinner table, let alone tell stories about penises. Consequently, Mum seriously believed baby's were found under cabbages until she was in her mid teens. So let us help out our children's generation and at least start with the basics of naming body parts accurately. If you feel a little embarrassed, reflect on why it makes you uncomfortable and why it's important to get past that. Talk it over with others and then just get on with it.

If you are not sure how to get started, here's a few tips:

1. Practice at bath-time or while getting dressed.  Bath time is an excellent opportunity to start this education, "lets wash your feet, lets wash your hands and face, your tummy, your bottom, your scrotum, your penis..." get the idea. It's just a name. If you get all embarrassed about it or call it a silly name or ignore it completely, children will start to think that there is something wrong with them and this part of their body. This can also later lead to misinformation about puberty and sex. Best to set the foundations early.

2. Use age appropriate books or activities. There are lots of great books to assist you, such as "Where do I come from" and "The Sexwise Parent". You can also search the web for age appropriate resources and games. Just be careful what you type into the search engine (awkward). From experience try a search for "talking about bodies with children" or "sexual health education resources".

3. Get your family on board. It's important to be consistent. So discuss the need to use the correct words with your partner, grandparents and caregivers. Ask them to use the correct words too. Trust me, older siblings love any excuse to talk about their body parts, you'll have no trouble getting their assistance.

4. Do your research. If you are not exactly sure about the correct anatomical terms or what the recommended response to standard questions are. Spend the time wisely and do some research. Being prepared will make it less confronting.

5. Rehearse possible responses. If you feel faint at the prospect of having these discussions with your children or addressing their questions. Rehearse possible responses with friends or your partner. Try thinking of the most embarrassing question they could ask and then brainstorm possible responses. Then you too can just roll with the inquisitive toddler and their curly questions like my mother in law did.

Having these open and honest conversations with your children about their bodies while they are young enough to ask you, means as the questions become even more curly in the years ahead about masturbation and consent and sexual orientation, you'll have laid down some vital groundwork for this important dialogue.  Confidence, knowledge and language about body parts is a crucial foundation for your children's sexual health and safety. It's not easy. But like all parenting challenges -it's important. Good Luck. 

Dr Rebecca Jackson

BA (Hons), PhD (Clinical Psychology)

If you have questions or comments please feel free to post below (you need to be logged into Google+). Or contact me at drbecjackson@gmail.com or follow on Google+ or Facebook 

Image sourced from Pinterest (cartoon by Dan Reynolds)