There has been a huge outpouring of sadness this week following
the death of Australian cricketer Phil Hughes aged 25 years. What makes this loss so confronting is a
young life cut short, the unexpected events that unfolded, and the collective
feeling that it is just so bloody unfair.
The only certain thing in life is that it eventually ends and
yet while we are aware that is true, we don’t like to focus on mortality. Life is difficult and healing from tragedy is
one of the most difficult challenges we will all face.
I grew up with an older father (52 when I was born) and so for
me I was aware that my first experience with grief was likely to be one of the
most influential and cherished people in my life when I was young. I remember
when he’d fall asleep in his chair watching the cricket and would stop snoring
and I’d hold my breath until I heard him start again. Life always seemed so
fragile. When I was 16 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent
significant treatment. He survived another 7 years and eventually passed away
in 2003 when I was 23. Those precious 7
years were a wonderful gift. One, which many people do not get.
Coping with losing a loved one is one of life's great
difficulties. In fact possibly one of
the hardest challenges we have to face. I never thought I’d survive the
overwhelming grief brought about by my father’s death. I functioned well enough
to support my mother in the early months and then I let myself fall apart. It
took a good couple of years to mourn him and during that time, life was pretty
tough. I went about daily routines, studied, worked and so forth. But the world
felt grey and impossible at times.
It’s been almost 12 years now and I miss him still terribly. I
have mourned his death and no longer grieve. I have some memories now of a time
without him and I found joy in a world he is no longer a living part. I often
dream of him and that’s comforting, but brings a sadness too. I wish he knew my
husband, walked me down the isle at my wedding, saw me pregnant, held my babies
and was here to see me in my adult life, to see the people he raised in my
brother and I. But that was not to be.
Grief is hard. It can consume you. If you have experienced the
pain of mourning, you know that any way to ease the loss is welcomed. For some
it’s sleep, or substances or medication, or avoidance. For others it’s staying
busy or focusing attention on others who share the loss. While our knowledge
and study of grief continues to evolve, it's important to note that not
everyone grieves the same way: We have individual patterns and outlets for
grief.
I remember that even in the days that followed my fathers death,
I’d find something slightly funny, then feel terribly guilty that I had felt
even a moment of relief from the all consuming heavy-hearted, gut-wrenching
loss that filled my days. And I thought
that was kind of mandatory.
Finding peace or even joy in the midst of grief seemed an impossibility
-an insult to a loved one I cherished. But as time passed and I sat with the
pain long enough I was able to look around and see that joy and life remained. The world was turning, the sun dawned and set
just as before, and I could learn to laugh and feel light along side tears and
feelings of great heavy loss.
How do we get comfortable with grief?
There is no one right way. Often, time helps, but it does not
guarantee complete healing as the cliché suggests. I remember a friend at the
time of my fathers passing, who had also mourned her Dad, saying, “time doesn't heal all, but it makes it seem
different”. For me that helped. Time has changed the grief and loss I feel
today but it never completely dissipates. For some it’s a couple of years, for
most it’s around five, but for others who lose significant people it can be a
lifelong struggle to accept.
Some choose to face grief head on, while others may try to dull
the effects. But completely hiding from
grief tends to be a difficult option. One thing is certain; it touches everyone
at some point. While nothing will surely ease that inevitable pain, I found the
following helped me:
•
Actively mourn. Grief is an inner
sense of loss, sadness and emptiness. Mourning is how you express those
feelings. Both grief and mourning are natural and necessary parts of the
healing process after a loss.
•
Acknowledge your pain. If you don't face
your grief, it rebounds stronger. Accept that the pain and loss you're feeling
is part of dealing with grief and moving toward a state of healing and
acceptance.
•
Seek support. Spending some time
alone is fine, but isolation isn't a healthy way to deal with grief. A friend, a
confidant, a spiritual figure — all can help you along the journey of healing.
Allow loved ones to share in your sorrow or simply be there when you cry.
•
Don't make major decisions.
Grief clouds the ability to make sound decisions. I made some absolutely
terrible choices while grieving and that compounded the suffering, which
followed ten-fold. If possible, postpone big decisions — such as moving, taking
a new job, ending or starting relationships or making major financial changes.
If you must make decisions right away, seek the input or guidance of trusted
loved ones or other close contacts.
•
Take care of yourself. Your will to live
and ability to follow normal routines might quickly erode. You can be consumed
by grief and mourning without stopping to take care of yourself. Try to get
adequate sleep, eat a healthy diet and include physical activity in your daily
routine. Consider a medical checkup to make sure your grief isn't adversely
affecting your health — especially if you have any existing health conditions.
•
Remember time helps, but might not cure.
Time has the ability to make that acute, heart wrenching pain of loss less
intense and to make emotions less painful — but feelings of loss and emptiness
might never completely go away.
If you are struggling with feelings of grief and loss speak to your family, GP or call Lifeline 131114
No comments:
Post a Comment