1. Establish a regular pattern for big celebrations. You might decide on a split xmas (xmas eve in one house and xmas day in the other) and then alternate each year. Or you might decide to have xmas in one family and new years at the other. Or as we have done we have H from 23rd dec until after new years this year and then alternate this each year with his Dad's family. The other household has a special celebration with him 22/23rd Dec. We've done this for 6 Christmases now and it works really well for him. It means the other family can organise to travel to see family and he isn't being shunted around between places during xmas. The key is to make an agreement and then keep that arrangement a regular pattern so everyone can plan ahead.
2. Discuss Santa and gift giving. As all families are different it's a little hard to make to many recommendations about how you should manage this. We've settled on who ever has H for xmas morning is responsible for "Santa" gifts. The other family has their own gifts which they manage. We've also moved towards a joint gift. Splitting the cost 50/50 between households. This was partly because it was getting over the top to have 2 big gifts and also because we have a good co-parenting relationship these days. We've done a joint bike, ski passes in past years. This year we'll do our own thing but be mindful not to compete with other house...we discuss the wish list and divi up the gifts so that we cover what he wants/needs and don't double up unnecessarily.
3. Focus on 'peace and good will'. We usually have a joint celebration at our xmas handover day. We've done drinks and nibbles, brunch and lunch in the past depending on the time of day. We usually exchange gifts between the families and swap cards/homemade treats for extended family on the other side from H. We figure that it's a good lesson for H to see generosity between his two families. Obviously this is a little 'out there' for blended families and so if there is too much angst or conflict, maybe just a small token of goodwill around the holidays might just break the ice. It was such a small thing 4 years ago which marked a turning point for us.
4. Organise Skype, FaceTime or phonecalls. We organise a convenient time for H to have a Skype call to the other house on Christmas Day. That way it doesn't interrupt the celebration for the family who has him and the family who doesn't knows they will get a special call which they can enjoy without interruption.
5. Don't guilt the kids. I always find it hard when we don't have H with us for Christmas. It was heartbreaking the first couple of times but it is absolutely NOT okay for him to know that. I always let him see how excited I am for him to see his other family and make a lovely celebration with us before he goes. I speak with him on xmas eve about santa coming and how he'll be celebrating and send him a text the next morning saying I can't wait to hear what Santa brought. Then wait for our Skype later in the day. I always say that I love and miss him, but that it's very exciting he gets to have an extra long christmas with all his family. Obviously acknowledging his feelings whatever they might be is important, but I don't want to contaminate his experience with my own feelings.
It's not easy. Many people find Christmas after divorce or separation a miserable time of year. Depression rates actually rise for many groups of people as a response to celebrations such as Christmas when they grieve for loved ones not with them. Anything that you have the power to effect to alleviate anguish for others around this time of year seems a no-brainer to me. Even when you have a difficult relationship with the other parent - remember you liked them enough once upon a time to conceive a child - helps to be a little more understanding. Good luck :)
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