Child-proofing friendships

• v child-proof make safe against children "childproof the apartment"

A Curly Life reader emailed me a week ago to ask advice about maintaining friendships when parenting styles differ and navigating the treacherous path of maintaining friendships when children enter the relationship too. I think that this is definitely more than a one-post topic. So tonight I'm going to deal with just the first issue which is women need their friendships with other women, especially when they become parents.

The science clearly demonstrates that there is an evolutionary need for women to have close friendships with other women. I didn't really subscribe to this fact until I became a mother in my late 20s. I grew up with a brother and had mostly male friends in my early childhood years. My best friend was a girl and we are still best friends 30 years on, but still through my adolescence and early adulthood, I moved in male dominated circles and apart from a handful of girlfriends I had not recognised that women actually 'need' other women. We are wired that way.

For an easy to read account of the research in this area "The Tending Instinct" written by Shelly Taylor focuses on nurturing and a recurrent theme in this work which is, that women's friendships serve to protect them and their children. She describes a new take on old evolutionary theory which focused on what the Alpha males were up to, and demonstrates through numerous studies that in the face of danger or potential threat rather than fight or flight women group in order to provide social support and protect their young. It also served to ensure the continuation of their genetics. 

In modern society this makes sense. We can see the intuitive validity of this research as it plays out in the thousands of mothers groups, playgroups, and virtual mums communities around the country. My 'mummy friends' have been a lifeline since having children and my friendships with women in general have deepened in the last decade. As a community of women we may not 'huddle together in the tree tops' like our primate sisters to avoid being the victims of a violent baboon troop...except we kind of do. 

We go pram walking and talking, do mother and baby exercise, have deep and meaningful chats over coffee (or wine), form mothers groups or new mums groups, or book clubs, or online forum groups or FaceBook groups....whatever way we can we seek out other women and build social support networks to 'survive'. 

So if we accept this premise that we are 'wired' to group together with other women, especially when children are involved and that by doing so we improve the quality of our lives, are happier, increase our life expectancy, decrease stress and depression, improve self-esteem and health outcomes, (all demonstrated in various studies) what appears to be the problem?

The Problem

The problem is that humans are paradoxical. While friendships with other women can be our greatest source of strength and nurturing, they can also be our greatest undoing when they fail. And nothing can bring a friendship between two women crashing down to the ground faster than a criticism of their parenting/mothering or unjust treatment of their offspring. 

When two or more women became entangled in a parenting tug-of-war each tends to become defensive and protective of their children and their parenting approach. This is mostly intuitive and interestingly when the 'threat' is assessed as another woman or mother, the response is not group together as described by Taylor, it's more what I would describe as a traditional fight or flight response. At this point they may say or think "I'm not sticking around here to be insulted/disrespected/criticised..."(Flight) or "How dare she criticise me/my child/I'll give her a piece of my mind..."(Fight). At this point the behavioural response will be to either avoid the other woman and in extreme cases terminate the friendship or engage in a more antagonistic 'battle' of parenting wills and again risk losing a friendship. 

So the question I think worth asking is "how do we child-proof our friendships with other women?" that is, how do we continue to build a strong community of women and 'group' to provide social support and nurturing to each other and our children without risking our friendships?

A Suggestion 

I think a good starting point might be a few basic principles: 

1. Make investments to the 'friend bank'. Over the years I've enjoyed some wonderful 'low maintenance' friendships. You know the ones, where you can go months without speaking and then when you do it's just like yesterday. The reason some of my friendships have survived and morphed into these is that the 'friend bank' was already full. Years of good quality investment together means that they stand strong even when separated by time or physical distance. That's not to say that you shouldn't continue to invest time, love and attention into friendships that you feel are already strong. A healthy 'friend bank' means that when you do hit a rough patch, you have more "good will" to balance the scales. 

2. Respect reciprocity. No-one minds when a relationship has to be a little one-sided. For whatever reason one person needs the extra support, more time discussing their issues, more visits in their home, more love, more attention, more nurturing. But when the swings and roundabouts don't even out and either party is left feeling the give but no take...you enter high risk territory, where any kind of rift will be felt more strongly. Be mindful that you keep the equilibrium in your friendships. 

3. Respect diversity. A fabulous life principle, but in this case, respect that we all parent differently. In our own way, based on our own values, beliefs, resources and experience. If you keep in mind that everyone is doing their best it is easier to overlook minor differences. Extreme differences of opinion or approach, for example 'smacking versus no-smacking' will still cause tension in even the closest relationship. When this does occur it's more helpful to acknowledge the difference exists and accept that you will not agree on all issues than to ignore it or argue. By having trusted and open conversations about your own choices where the other person feels their opinion is valid and they are respected will often open up new ways of thinking and viewing the problem, e.g.., effective discipline. 

4. Establish the 'ground rules'. I have found over the years that through good dialogue you can establish the "common parenting ground" with other people. That is, what do you share similar views on or common approaches to. You can also establish the points of difference. The importance of this is that it helps set the ground rules. That is, what is fair and reasonable to expect of each other in terms of parenting support, response to each others children etc. For example, when I'm responsible for my friend "Mandy's" children at playdates or sleepovers I have a pretty clear idea about how she parents and what expectation there is of me while I have her children: I'll keep them safe, meet all their security needs (warmth, food, etc), notify her of any problems that occur and on a good day ensure they have something fun and entertaining to do. If her children are doing something dangerous that's likely to harm themselves or others then I would be expected to correct the behaviour in accordance with my own parenting style (which we've already established). Anything beyond that and I'm treading in dangerous territory. If in doubt I always call and check the 'ground rules'.  

5. Forgive minor lapses. We all have bad parenting days and bad friend days. We put our foot in our mouth or give unsolicited advice, or make a bad judgement or a thoughtless remark. We are all human and therefore we make mistakes. Don't fall foul of the fundamental attribution error and think that when other people do so, it's characteristic of them being a 'bad friend' or a 'bad mother', and ignore the context. My advice is just chalk minor lapses up as human and move on. 

I think that these five principles at least pave the way to child-proofing your friendships and that's an excellent basis to then deal with the inevitable challenges that come from needing other mothers for support but wanting the autonomy to do the 'mothering' our own way. In the end it's all curly but having friends to share the curliness with will make a world of difference. 

If you'd like to contribute ideas or suggestions on this or any other topic, feel free to email me at drbecjackson@gmail.com.