Keeping our kids safe

Taeen Yoo Illustration 

Yesterday 'H' headed off to school in a red t-shirt rather than his usual school uniform. The 31st October, apart from being Halloween, is "Day for Daniel" a national awareness day run by the Daniel Morcombe Foundation to promote child safety. This Year was the 10th Day for Daniel held across Australia, since it's inaugural event in 2005. The day is essentially about raising community awareness about child safety and educating children on personal safety. 

"It is about educating children and adults on keeping kids safe through child safety and protection initiatives. It aims to help empower our children to ‘Recognise, React and Report’ if they feel something is not right. Wear Red and Educate is the theme of for Day for Daniel as we strive to have schools, kindergartens, businesses and communities across Australia take action and conduct child safety activities in their local communities to help in ‘Keeping Kids Safe’."

My son's primary school was holding a special assembly to discuss personal safety and the theme 'Recognise, React, Report.' They were also going to create a giant red letter "D" on the school oval and have some photographs. It is interesting in my opinion to hear the different perspectives of parents on the schools participation in this event. Some are strong and vocal advocates of such initiatives, some passive supporters, some passive dissenters and some vocal dissenters. As always people tend to fall into one of these groups. I'd have to categorise myself in the first group. As a professional having worked a number of years in clinical and forensic settings, I can only advocate for these types of community awareness and child education programs. 

I've always held the 'mantra' people do the best they can with the resources they have available. In this instance; what makes children vulnerable is not having the personal resources to recognise potential threats to their safety, to be able to react effectively or feel empowered to report incidents to a trusted adult. It is our responsibility as parents and caretakers of the community to support initiatives which provide these resources to our children, to families, and members of the community. 

The objectives of Day for Daniel are:

• To raise awareness about child safety and protection and to promote a safer community for children.
• To educate children regarding their personal safety and empower them to ‘Recognise, React and Report’.
• To provide FREE safety and educational material.
• To honour the memory of Daniel Morcombe.
• To have over 1 million people Australia Wide to participate in Day for Daniel.

Day for Daniel is also an opportunity for Australians to make a statement that crimes against children are not acceptable in modern Australia.

"It aims to help empower our children to ‘Recognise, React and Report’ if they feel something is not right."

Where is the dissent? Understandably, as parents there is a tension between educating and empowering our children to protect them and protecting their innocence for as long as possible. I absolutely understand this point of view. I can only validate the concerns of parents who worry about the 'pandoras box' of questions which discussions such as this open for some children. "Who was Daniel?, What happened to him?" " Why did someone take him?" " Why did they hurt him" "How did they kill him?" These are difficult questions. I spent almost a decade at University studying human psychology, did a PhD on understanding the experience and perpetration of homicide and worked in offender treatment for another 5 years, yet even I don't feel fully equipped to answer some of these questions when posed by an 8 year old. Nevertheless, it is our very desire to protect them from harm which must also motivate us to teach them safety smarts. 

Luckily organisations such as the Daniel Morcombe Foundation provide some wonderful resources to assist us. Check out the link below. There are some wonderful resources including age appropriate activities, games and multimedia presentations. 

http://www.danielmorcombe.com.au/educational_resources.html

Yes, children will ask questions. Yes, they will probably learn that the world is a little more threatening than perhaps they were led to believe as younger children. But just as we teach them to wear a seatbelt in the car, to look both ways before crossing the street, to swim between the flags or wear a hat when outside, we have a duty to teach them safety rules about risky people, the internet, social media and personal space. Yes I get nervous too. Sometimes you may go too far. My world view became much more threatening after working in some of these settings with offenders and those effected by serious crimes against children. I knew it was time for a break when I scared "H" more than necessary by explaining to him as a 3 year old (after some panic stricken minutes in a department store when he did a runner and hid under a clothes rack), that "bad people steal children and they never see their families again." Not my finest parenting moment. Would I do it differently now? Absolutely. Now I'd explain that "as mum it's my job to keep you safe and to do that I need you to help me. I need to you to stay where I can see you. ok?" and so on. It has taken the last 5 years to swing my internal pendulum back to a more realistic threat assessment of the general society. 

What can you do?

Clear explanations of simple, age appropriate rules should be your goal. Rules such as, always let a trusted adult know where you are going, what time you will be back, who you are with or if plans have changed.  As with all these curly topics, you are laying an important foundation which will help them to be more resilient and emotionally aware as tweens, teens, young adults and adults. Check out the resources on the Day for Daniel webpage http://www.dayfordaniel.com.au. You'll also see some other great links to excellent resources. The resources tab on Life is Curly http://itsacurlyone.blogspot.com.au/p/resources.html will also point you in the right direction. 

Bec :)

Day for Daniel is an opportunity for Australians to make a statement that crimes against children are not acceptable in modern Australia.

Information on Day for Daniel can be found at http://www.dayfordaniel.com.au

Red Balloon Illustration from http://taeeunyoo.com

5 "Pretty Brilliant" commercials I want my children to see

You know life is curly when you actually want to watch TV commercials rather than the programmed offerings. But as both a consumer and a parent I'd prefer my children view advertising campaigns such as these below, over anything with the title keywords bachelors, beauties, geeks, big brothers, or housewives. In a new advertising trend where social messaging is used to encourage brand loyalty, there are now some brilliantly directed and produced short clips which address any number of powerful social issues. I've chosen five to feature here on my page which I believe highlight this new movement. These all have strong messages about girls. Ones I'm glad to see emerge from an industry which has not always been seen as an agent for positive social change. Disclaimer: I have no invested interest in any of these companies and Im not necessarily endorsing them or their products. But you have to admire the social messages. See What you think? IMO they are a brilliant tool for starting conversations which are long overdue. Enjoy. 

Always - #Like a Girl 

Verizon - #inspire her mind

Dove - Self Esteem 

Pantene -  Shine Strong 

Nike - The Girl Effect 

"A penis by any other name is still a penis"

"Where's your penis Nanna?" My 2 year old asked my mother in law last week. "I don't have one darling. I'm a girl, I have a vagina like mummy and your sister. You are a boy, you have a penis like Daddy and H" said Nanna calmly. Inside I was applauding her! Hooray for Nan! Yes it is a Penis, not a Doodle or a Willy or a Wally. I was not at all shocked by my son's question - but I was pleasantly surprised by my MILs answer. Penis is word of the month at the moment in our house. Our son's vocabularly is on a steady incline and he's very interested in his body and how it all works. As we will be starting toilet training soon, it is great that he is so excited about his genitalia.

In our family we use the correct terms for everything right from the get go; Including ALL our body parts. As Shakespeare once said "a penis by any other name is still a penis" or at least that's what I'm sure he would have said - had a toddler been asking him questions. So why give it a silly name. You see, this is a very important topic for a number of reasons. Firstly, using correct terms empowers children to have ownership over their bodies. It builds self esteem and gives them the confidence to respect and look after their bodies as they grow and develop. Secondly, it assists with practical tasks such as toileting and hygiene. Thirdly, it decreases vulnerability and is a known protective factor against child sexual abuse. If children feel confident about their bodies and have standard language to describe their body parts, not only can they speak up if they have any concerns, but if they should ever need to, they can provide accurate descriptions for forensic purposes. Having worked for a number of years in child protection, juvenile justice and then adult corrections, this is frighteningly more important than you might think. I'm now finding in my current role at work, it's also important in discussing sexual ethics with adolescents and young adults.

Even if you want to park those three well established reasons to one side; having honest discussions using age appropriate methods and correct terms builds a strong foundation for other crucial conversations in the years ahead about sexual development, puberty and sexuality.

A word of warning not all people will appreciate this approach or level of honesty. Despite being recommended by leading paediatricians, psychologists and sexual health professionals.  There are many adults in my generation and my parents generation who will cringe or giggle at the words Penis, Scrotum, Vagina, Valva, Labia and so forth. There are others who will object on the basis of protecting childhood innocence (What the?). So be prepared to meet some resistance or at least some awkward silences. I have come to embrace these awkward social moments as just another parenting badge of honour.

My first real experience of this was when H was about 2 during a visit to the post office. I was holding him as we stood in line to pick up a parcel. He starts pointing at people in the queue in turn, "Penis, Penis, Vagina, Penis, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina ..." he says VERY loudly, correctly identifying the anatomical term with the gender of the people in the queue. Of course this was met with many giggles, a few embarrassed looks, and one older lady looked completely appalled. So despite my internal monologue of social panic, I say, a little louder than usual "That's right darling men have penises and women have vaginas. You're a clever boy to know that. " Of course I hold my head up high and feel proud that I have a smart toddler. Then he says even louder "I have a penis Mummy and you have a VAGINA don't you". "Yes" I say (turning a little red) "That's right." I can see the shoulders of the man in front of me vibrating as he tries to contain his amusement. Then H says, "Can I have some of those stickers please Mum?" "Sure" I say relieved and we make it to the front of the line without any more anatomy lessons. Since then, there have been many a public discussion about genitals, and bodily functions, breast feeding and most recently "The sex". Some topics are being re-visited as our 2 year-old discusses his latest discovery and some are new ground as our 8 year old tests the validity of the school yard banter. In the years ahead I'll have to learn to address new questions from our daughter. It's mostly water off a duck's back these days, but that's not to say it won't take another difficult turn in the years ahead.

Thinking back now to the post office story, I wonder why I was so embarrassed by my son's display of new found knowledge. I knew enough to hold it all together and just respond naturally and calmly to his questions. At home I would not have even batted an eyelid at his comments. But out in public with others judging his behaviour, I felt awkward. I'm sure it's partly because growing up my parents and other adults did not use the correct terms for "private parts" or have such frank discussion about "down there". They used "willy and fanny and even pussy" HELLO that has to be more embarrassing than the correct words. I even mistakenly called hairy armpits "pussy pits" as a young child - My Goodness!! Why didn't anyone correct that little error! Just typing that makes me blush with extreme embarassment.

I can't be too hard on my parents I guess. When my mother was a child they weren't even aloud to speak at the dinner table, let alone tell stories about penises. Consequently, Mum seriously believed baby's were found under cabbages until she was in her mid teens. So let us help out our children's generation and at least start with the basics of naming body parts accurately. If you feel a little embarrassed, reflect on why it makes you uncomfortable and why it's important to get past that. Talk it over with others and then just get on with it.

If you are not sure how to get started, here's a few tips:

1. Practice at bath-time or while getting dressed.  Bath time is an excellent opportunity to start this education, "lets wash your feet, lets wash your hands and face, your tummy, your bottom, your scrotum, your penis..." get the idea. It's just a name. If you get all embarrassed about it or call it a silly name or ignore it completely, children will start to think that there is something wrong with them and this part of their body. This can also later lead to misinformation about puberty and sex. Best to set the foundations early.

2. Use age appropriate books or activities. There are lots of great books to assist you, such as "Where do I come from" and "The Sexwise Parent". You can also search the web for age appropriate resources and games. Just be careful what you type into the search engine (awkward). From experience try a search for "talking about bodies with children" or "sexual health education resources".

3. Get your family on board. It's important to be consistent. So discuss the need to use the correct words with your partner, grandparents and caregivers. Ask them to use the correct words too. Trust me, older siblings love any excuse to talk about their body parts, you'll have no trouble getting their assistance.

4. Do your research. If you are not exactly sure about the correct anatomical terms or what the recommended response to standard questions are. Spend the time wisely and do some research. Being prepared will make it less confronting.

5. Rehearse possible responses. If you feel faint at the prospect of having these discussions with your children or addressing their questions. Rehearse possible responses with friends or your partner. Try thinking of the most embarrassing question they could ask and then brainstorm possible responses. Then you too can just roll with the inquisitive toddler and their curly questions like my mother in law did.

Having these open and honest conversations with your children about their bodies while they are young enough to ask you, means as the questions become even more curly in the years ahead about masturbation and consent and sexual orientation, you'll have laid down some vital groundwork for this important dialogue.  Confidence, knowledge and language about body parts is a crucial foundation for your children's sexual health and safety. It's not easy. But like all parenting challenges -it's important. Good Luck. 

Dr Rebecca Jackson

BA (Hons), PhD (Clinical Psychology)

If you have questions or comments please feel free to post below (you need to be logged into Google+). Or contact me at drbecjackson@gmail.com or follow on Google+ or Facebook 

Image sourced from Pinterest (cartoon by Dan Reynolds)

Friendship following the big "D"

I got off the phone this morning after a really entertaining and quite delightful phone call with a friend of mine. We'd been chatting about my eldest son, H (8 years) and his most recent school achievements, some funny anecdotes and our plans for the weekend. We'd also covered my two youngest kids and their antics this morning. We shared a few laughs, covered some current affairs discussion and a bit of world politics quite quickly before I needed to tend to the baby. What makes this phone call so delightful, is my friend and I used to be married. We divorced almost 6 years ago and we share a child.

Our situation is not unique. Currently, just under 50,000 Australian children have divorced parents. What possibly makes our situation more rare is that we share parenting 50/50 between our two households. It took a little while to reach our current arrangement, but after the adversarial process of formal parenting orders, family court and Child Support Assessments, we decided there had to be a better way. Both my ex-husband and I had new relationships, new employment and had moved to a new city. Time for a fresh start for everyone. At first it was awkward to have such frank and fearless discussions. When you have been in a long-term relationship and it has ended there remains a lot of baggage. We had to deal with that and our new partners were involved every step of the way. It has been a true team effort and none of us could have made it through successfully without the support of the other three. We are also blessed to both have generous, understanding and loving partners, who have embraced H as their child too.

Four years on; Mr J and I are about to have our 3rd wedding anniversary, we have two littlies of our own, my Ex and his partner will marry next year and H enjoys equal time with his two families. I never thought we'd get here. It's certainly not the usual family set-up. Often H has more parental help at school than he knows what to do with. He has 4 parents, 8 sets of grandparents, 5 great -grandparents and countless extended family, so celebrations like Easter, Christmas and Birthdays extend over several weekends. We have co-parenting meetings about rules, and pocket money and special events, we share joint family meals a few times a year and we 'vote' on all big decisions between the 4 of us (H gets the deciding vote if we draw). There is no rule-book for this type of parenting. That's why friends suggested that I share my experience. It's not the norm for divorced parents to salvage a friendship and co-parent this way.  It's curly, but we make it work.

My 5 top tips for post-divorce relationships involving children:

1. RESPECT. Respect the other person, their decisions, their desires, their role, their time and their privacy. That also includes their family, friends and future partners.

2. Be Child Focussed. ALWAYS think about what is best for the child. This may not be the same as what is best for you. By putting their needs ahead of both of your needs you will be in a better place. That includes the need for time with both parents and extended family. The need to feel loved and secure. The need to see respectful communication being modelled and so forth.

3. Make Peace. Find a way to make peace with the past. It makes it much easier to live in the present and focus on the future.

4. Create dialogue. You have to find a way to communicate. That doesn't mean making the other person listen or getting your point across at all costs.  It means being prepared to be in the conversation, listen actively, be honest and create common ground.

5. Cut everyone some slack. Parenting is hard. Co-Parenting is therefore also hard. Sometimes you just have to cut everyone some slack, including yourself. Remind yourself that this is a tough gig, and  then ask yourself and each other "what do we need to do (say/discuss/think about) to get past this next hurdle?"

Choose your cake & eat it too

Today is a celebration day at our place; It's my darling hubby's birthday as well as that of a beautiful friend of mine Suze. In our family, birthdays are celebrated with joyous enthusiasm, it's not about the presents - although thoughtful gifts are always presented, it's about family, friends and to be honest CAKE!! That's right, in our house the cake is always the main attraction. The discussion about the birthday cake can go on for months, my eldest son H, begins thinking about his next birthday cake, while eating this years centrepiece and he has done so since he was 3 (he's now 8). My toddler JJ had the word 'cake' as one of his first 10 words, and although he has only had 2 birthdays to date, can sing happy birthday and blow out candles like a professional. Today he's off to playgroup to make daddy a 'cake' in the sandpit, which his carers say he's been practising for the last 2 months. Missy Moo is only 4 months so she's yet to experience the delights of cake, but I've been pinning ideas for her first birthday cake, like a woman possessed!

Before the days of Pintrest, my cake obsession was fed through the Women's Weekly Children's Birthday Cake Book. Remember. The absolute joy and delight of pouring over the pages of the book and dreaming about the Train Cake, with it's doughnut wheels and Jam roll funnel, or the little Log Cabin with the chocolate finger biscuit shingles or the Princess Castle with sherbet cone turrets. We all had favourites. Some were made late at night and presented the next day then enjoyed with gusto, others eluded our parents cake making patience and remained childhood dreams. My own children love choosing their cakes as much as I did and each year I love the ceremony of cake choosing and preparation, the creation of the much anticipated marvel, the presentation to the birthday boy or girl  and the enthusiastic devouring.

Last night I handed over the more sophisticated version of the Women's Weekly cake book (Classic Cakes) to Mr J and enjoyed watching him with his cup of tea, drooling over the wonderful options that each page provided. Each page turn was met with "oooooh that looks good" or " I think I found it" or "naaaahhhh this one!" In the end he settled on a Black Forrest Cake, which I'm off to bake shortly. But his enthusiasm was contagious. In those moments he was a boy again, dreaming of rockets and racing car tracks and volcanos made from sugar and food colouring.

What a beautiful analogy for how we should approach all decisions in life. With the same sense of joy and wonder, the same limitless imagination and enthusiasm. We should all get to choose our "cake" whenever we can. The idiom "You can't have your cake and eat it too" is ridiculous if you think about it. You can have it and then eat it. But then you have to choose another. There's much debate about how grammatically that sentence should be structured for "you can't eat your cake and have it to" does capture the dilemma that when faced with two options that are mutually exclusive sometimes you have to make a choice. But don't let that frighten you from choosing the biggest, most glorious, calorie laden choice and then devouring it with a big cookie monster grin. Yes you won't have it anymore, but the memory will live long and the opportunity to dream about and choose the next "cake" still remains. I figure, if I go by average stats I have about 40 birthday cakes left to choose for myself and many, many more to create for those I love. So my challenge to you is this, if Life is Like a Cake - then devour it like the Cookie Monster.


Images via Pintrest

Do not dull your curls

What is it that makes you interesting to others? This is a difficult question isn't it. Is it your sense of humour, your outlook on life, your ability to tell a good story, your genuine concern for others, your knowledge of interesting facts, your ability to put people at ease or to make them feel interesting? I bet it's perhaps a set of qualities you may not have even thought about or given much credit to. I think we all spend far too much time thinking that what makes us interesting are the bits which make us the same as others, rather than the bits that make us different.  I think what drew me to study and now work in the field of Psychology, was the realisation that what makes people interesting are the curly bits. The bits which are different and rare and unique.

But do we really celebrate this? I don't think we do. I think we are more comfortable to direct the question towards others. What makes our life partner different and interesting? What makes our children special? Why do we like that quirky neighbour or eccentric personality in our local town? But to ask the question of ourselves is much harder. What makes me different, interesting and special? Because to ask ourselves this question is confronting. It requires self awareness and a desire to be honest with ourselves. You also have to answer the question like no-one is watching. Because when you contemplate what it is that makes you different to others, you have to be prepared for the answer which pops up and then you need to make peace with it.

You see it's entirely possible that what makes you interesting is having eyes two different shades, or a dimple in your chin, or a birthmark or prominent scar. You may have ears that stick out or one long toe or toes that are fused together. You may have a gap in your teeth or snort when you laugh or hic-up when you cry. These imperfections are a part of you. My friend Lou tells a great story she read about striving for perfection. Its about some women discussing a new family that have moved into the neighbourhood. This family look picture perfect, perfectly behaved children, everyone immaculately dressed, friendly, helpful, they sing in church with perfect pitch etc., and what do you think people say? "Did you see the new family...creepy!" Even when you are damn close to perfect  - it's still not enough. Because we don't actually like perfect, we don't like it when everything is straight and ordered and uniform. We want unique and bespoke and customised. So you see it is not your perfection but your imperfections which make you interesting to others. Your curly bits. So do not dull them down for anyone - celebrate them in all their imperfect glory.

"don't try to straighten it"

One of my favourite quotes from Susan Scott "Life is curly, Don't try to straighten it" was originally meant for organisational contexts. But a decade of academia, 15 years of therapeutic work, 8 years of motherhood, 2 marriages, 3 children and 35 years of life, have led me to conclude that it is all one big frizzy curly life.

What's more, everyone has a curly life, even if they don't want to admit it. We all have curly days; where no matter what you do you can't smooth the bumps or preempt the wonky bits. We all have curly families; some (like my own) that resemble corkscrews at times - with the ups and downs and roundabouts that come from being in relationship with others. We have curly relationships; at work, with friends, with partners. We even have curly habits, curly thoughts, curly dreams and curly pasts.

But we also spend an inordinate amount of time trying to straighten out the frizzy bits. I went through a phase of using the hot-iron daily to flatten out my hair. I could never quite get that salon sleek look, but I would spend 30 minutes per morning, with the GHD attempting to rid my reflection of any hint of a wave or kink. Why? As a kid I had embraced my curly hair just I embraced my curly life, hell I even enhanced it with a 'crimper' (it was the 80s), then a spiral perm (it was the 90's). Then I hit University and entered some kind of parallel universe where things needed to be organised and neat and straight. Just as I chemically straightened my hair, I applied this approach to everything. But guess what...You can not 'flat iron' life. Life has a way of throwing curve balls or zigging when you expect it to zag. And so among many unexpected twists I became a Psychologist. A profession which is immersed in the curliness of human thoughts, feelings and behaviour. I also became a mother, then a wife, ex-wife, wife again, and mother to two more beautiful little people. I've been touched by grief and loss, by love and fortune, by friendship and adversity. As I'm sure you have been. Because life is curly...and I'm glad.

What is a curly life?

curly

ˈkəːli/

adjective

made, growing, or arranged in curls or curves.

"my hair is just naturally thick and curly"

synonyms: wavy, curling, curled, crimped, frizzy, frizzed, kinked, kinky, crinkly, fuzzy
antonyms: straight

"Life is curly, don't try to straighten it out" 

Susan Scott - Fierce Conversations 

A Curly Life is a blog about all of us. It's about the inevitable twists and turns which are part of our experience of life. It is the recognition that very little is straight forward and that for most of us our everyday moments are characterised by more frizzy, kinky, fuzzy bits, than not. As Susan Scott discusses in her book Fierce Conversations, our attempts to 'straighten it out' are futile and cause more angst than necessary  - if you were only to embrace the curly.

So here begins a fun journey as we examine 'The Curly Life' in all its glory. I hope you will join me.


Dr Bec Jackson 
Psychologist, mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, & recovering academic.