Swimming With Sharks

Bega Lagoon, Fiji Coral Coast - Bull Shark

 (Photo taken by R Jackson)

Growing up I was terrified of the ocean. It's fair to say that my parents, especially my mother (sorry Mum) nurtured that fear unwittingly. Growing up in Tasmania, trips to the beach were not really that frequent, but occasional swims in the river still provided enough conditioning for a pretty good water phobia. Fear of deep water, fear of seaweed and fear of sharks. 

Mum had me convinced that sharks leapt out of the water to eat dogs off jetties and were lurking just below the surface of every body of water, deeper than a meter (the old hungry ones) ready to make us their next meal. I also feared getting tangled in seaweed and drowning, being hit in the head and drowned by floating logs...the list goes on.  Mum was clearly nervous about water and understandably so, her little brother drowned when she was a child.  We learned to swim in the pool and I managed to do my bronze medallion as a teenager, but the ocean remained a source of mystery and most of all anxiety.

Fast forward 30 years and I meet my now husband. He loves the surf, the ocean and SCUBA. Apart from his amusement at me being dumped by tiny waves because I wouldn't venture out past my waist. He was adamant that a world of beauty and possibility would be opened up to me if I'd be open to conquering this fear. At first I didn't really see the need to take that leap. The land, even the sand,  was a perfectly nice place to admire the ocean. I could read about or watch documentaries about the world below the surface without ever venturing there. 

What eventually changed my mind was a desire to foster my husbands passion for watersports and to overcome my own fear so I did not pass it on unwittingly to my children.    I was then open to the possibility he might be on to something. Then he bought me a SCUBA course for my birthday. Shit got real! I did the course. I quietly panicked my way through my open water certification, the emergency drills, the night dive (yes people dive under the ocean in the dark!!!) and then followed it up with my Advanced Open Water. I even dove with Seals of the South Coast of NSW. Seals!!! Then in a moment of overconfidence I booked us on a Shark Dive in Fiji. Yes that is right, I committed to going diving with the source of my greatest fear...real sharks. Not just one dive but four of them and a night dive in the very same water. At least the ocean was warm in Fiji, so peeing my pants would not be so obvious. 

Sitting on the dive boat that first morning was one of those moments in life when you are sitting on the threshold of something big. When you know that in a few minutes life will have changed forever and there will be no going back. I felt sick. I felt scared. I wanted to run. The good part about SCUBA, like so many of those adventurous pursuits is that you have drills to follow. Safety checks, buddy checks, checklists of steps that ground you, that help you to focus, to be present and to BREATHE. The number one rule in SCUBA, just keep breathing. Sitting on the edge of the boat with my back to the water, all those thoughts from all those years of fear were there, "what if...", but as I listened to the instructions, focussed on the voice of my guide, focussed on the excited face of my husband, and listened to my breath, I was ok. I held my mask and my BCD, and I fell back into the ocean. 

As we descended within the group all I could think about was "keep breathing, just keep breathing". It was surreal. It was unexpected. It was beautiful. It was empowering. That first dive was all that and more. I thought the first time would be the hardest, but it was actually the second dive that was the most difficult. Because I knew then what was beneath the surface and while it was very different to the "story" I'd told myself all those years. Now I realised that the reality was equally fear inducing...if I let the fear overwhelm me. "Just keep breathing". We did four dives in total. We saw a LOT of sharks. We even dove in nearby water at night. I did it. I faced my fear and I did it. 

I haven't done SCUBA now for 4 years due to having and raising babies. I will SCUBA again soon. I'm sure the same fears, the same thoughts and emotions will trouble me. I will again have to observe that fear and make room for it. I will keep breathing. I am no longer irrationally afraid of the Ocean. I respect the danger it can present. I love it's beauty and I frequently swim out over my head, despite the waves and the seaweed. I enjoy the surf with my husband and the children. 

"The challenge is to swim with that fear, to get to know it better and sometimes to just breathe."

Swimming with sharks did change me. That moment that I fell back into the unknown. I experienced fear and I did it anyway. It gave me insight into fear and anxiety and how debilitating it can be. It taught me to let go. It taught me to take risks. It taught me to trust in others, in my husband, in the ocean. It taught me that sometimes accept the fear and breathe. It has made me a better psychologist. Because everyone has a "shark" story, a fear that holds them back from time to time. A fear of failure, of rejection, of pain, of the unknown. A fear that has a life of it's own and can stop you from enjoying life. The challenge is to swim with that fear, to get to know it better and sometimes to just breathe.

RJ 

When life is too straight just add curls.

This week I quit my day job. For the last 5 years I have been working as an executive level Psychologist in a large government department. I have really enjoyed the role. The people are great. I have lots of work to do. Plenty or autonomy. Plenty of responsibility and respect. It meets most of my core values, including contribution and connection. Resources are tight but not disabling and it was a very well paid and secure position. So why did I resign?

Two days ago I walked into my supervisors office to break the news. It was one of those conversations I'd refer to in coaching as a 'crucial conversation'. The stakes were high and emotions were strong. It was the first day back on the work calendar and my boss, who I admire and like opens with "Happy new Year  - Great to have you back!" My response: "Great to be back...but I need to Leave!" And I hand over 12 weeks notice. That afternoon I'm summoned to my Senior supervisor and given 30 minutes notice for the meeting. I can feel the cortisol rising as I rehearse the conversation in my head. I've role played this conversation with my husband in the week before but I can't seem to remember my lines. I begin to panic, what the hell...why am I doing this? It's comfortable here...the work is pretty interesting...people like me...I like them...the money is good...I have lots of autonomy...the supervision is light...gulp! I could stay here...I'm comfortable....oh no!

"Adventure begins outside your comfort zone" 

Why is it that we have the tendency to wish for our curly life to straighten, but then panic sets in when it does? To understand this we need to look to the science of the "comfort zone"

The Comfort Zone

Yes we have a human urge to keep things safe and comfortable. But, I'd argue only to a certain tipping point.  The science of the "comfort zone" is well documented and empirically tested. Simply put, your comfort zone is a behavioural space where your activity and behaviour fits a routine pattern that minimises stress and reduces risk. This is not a bad place. The idea comes from a classic psychology experiment conducted by Yerkes and Dodson (1908), which explained that a state of relative comfort (pattern, routine, arousal) created a steady level of performance. In order to maximise our performance however, we need to be pushed just beyond our comfort zone to a space labelled "optimal anxiety." Too much anxiety and we are pushed into the danger zone where we are too stressed to be productive and performance declines rapidly. This experiment has been used to explain human performance in all sorts of domains, including sport and work.  The comfort zone is not inherently a bad or a good thing. We all need that place where we are least anxious and stressed, where we have routines and patterns that bring us back to an equilibrium. Where we recuperate after periods of high intensity or stress. But I'd argue (like others) that you can't reside there permanently. It's like laying by the pool on a holiday it's relaxing at first and then after a period of time it becomes boring. There comes a point when breaking free from the comfort zone is necessary if only to remind you of it's comfort. Personal and professional growth do not occur when you remain in your comfort zone. It occurs either through adversity or stretch when your comfort zone is abandoned temporarily. Some people use extreme sport or adventurous training, they climb to amazing heights, leap off things, swim with sharks or fight bulls...others test the limits of fitness or endurance...entrepreneurs engage with financial risk and innovation. There are others still who test their comfort zone through more destructive means by engaging in high risk sexual behaviours, substances, or who self-sabotage when they become bored with the status quo. Then there are those less extreme but equally frightening steps we all take that are tentatively beyond our comfort zone but when taken can change the course of our lives.

Yesterday we had a collective staff training day. The morning started with introductions to everyone in the Branch. At this point about 5 out of the 60 people present knew I'm resigning. The introductions get to me and I say "Hi I'm Rebecca and I am the Psychologist...pause...for now" My senior supervisor then takes his cue and announces that I'll be leaving in 3 months. There is a collective gasp and then a collective sigh for the audience.

The collective gasp.

I think the collective gasp was shock. Shock that I was going. Shock I was challenging the status quo. Shock that in this fiscal environment I would venture beyond the relative financial security of the public service into the great unknown. Shock that I wouldn't be replaced in the near future and that would leave even more work to be distributed.

The collective sigh. 

I'd like to think this is reflective of the great interpersonal relationships I've established with my colleagues over the past 5 years. I think that's certainly part of it. But I also detected something else...was it disappointment?  Later conversations over coffee and in the corridors confirmed a few of my reflections. This is what the reactions above boiled down to:

1. Congratulations. What a brave step.

2. So you are deserting us. Now what will we do?

3. I wish I had the opportunity to leave. You are Lucky.

4. I should have taken that step a long time ago. Now it's too late. 

5. All the best. We'll miss you. 

These reactions; admiration, disbelief, disappointment, fear, excitement, hope, and regret were all more than I'd anticipated, yet they mirrored some of my own feelings. My own emotions had been tested in the month before as I grappled with the decision and many of those responses were common to my own thinking. Leaving my comfort zone is a thought that excites and terrifies me in equal measure. As I close my office door for the last time in April I'm sure all those reactions will be flooding over me. I hold onto the notion that beyond my comfort zone is where the adventure begins. I'm looking forward to reflecting back on this post in the months to come. Its frightening but important. The status quo is a nice place. It provides security, significance, autonomy, contribution and routine. But there are other values that I also choose to live by including;  continued growth, variety, adventure, creativity, family, balance and challenge. To dance beyond the confines of my own comfort zone brings joy, excitement and fear. It adds some curls.

RJ

Title image by Paulo Zerbato

http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/paulo-zerbato.html?tab=artworkgalleries&artworkgalleryid=8230

What if you fly...

Happy New Year! 

No doubt you have wished and been wished this in the past week. It fascinates me that with the New Year comes a reckless joy where minds are free to dream. To contemplate the start of another calendar year and the endless possibilities that a fresh diary or crisp clean planner conjure. We see the New Year as a blank page to write fresh stories or a clean canvass to fill with paint. At no other point in the year do we collectively spend as much time mulling over goals, resolutions, values or priorities. 

Like many, I have done this too and decided that rather than a list of goals or resolutions this year I will keep it simple. I have chosen 3 words to focus on:

Create. Recharge. Contribute. 

There is a power in these three words, which I have not felt in long lists of personal goals in times gone by. Is it because powerful things can be captured in 3 words....I am sorry... I love you...I am pregnant...? Or is the simplicity of 3? Ascetics favor groupings of 3, I am a mother of 3.... Whatever the reason, I have chosen three words to guide my year. 

Create. We live in a society fixated on passive entertainment and increasingly invested in the virtual or vicarious experience. Few people have jobs that show us the tangible results of our efforts and less are able to have creative autonomy. In my opinion, it leaves a gap in how we live and how we exercise our innate creativity.  Through evolution our humanity has demanded we create stuff for survival. Our Paleolithic ancestors were creating jewelry from eggshells and bone fragments. They were sewing clothes with animal sinew. They formed vessels and wove baskets. They created paints and dyes. They chiseled spearheads from metal, bone and shells. They meticulously whittled shafts for the most aerodynamic, accurate spears. They designed vast stretches of nuanced cave art. As anthropologists suggest, these inclinations toward craft and artistry were selected for. They increased the survival chances of individuals and their communities. A skilled spear maker added obvious value. Yet those who could design jewelry or other adornment introduced “material metaphors” and “social technologies” that enhanced relationships and identity within communities.  Today, Western society has largely segregated art to an aesthetic corner. But I’d argue this is insufficient as creativity and art are essential to mind-body awareness, emotional growth, personal and community identity and therapeutic diversion. In short it makes us happier and healthier.  I have recently re-discovered my creative spark and want to fan those embers throughout 2015. Whether it’s creating meals from scratch, growing food and plants, recycling, art, handicrafts, or writing, I will focus on making and designing and creating.

Recharge.

This reflects self-care, balance and motivation. It’s about doing something every day that recharges my batteries. Breath. Walk. Drink more water. Stretch. Exercise. Get more sleep. Eat nourishing foods. Be mindful. Play more.  Spend time outdoors.  Spend time with my husband and children. Connect with nature. Sounds simple but is harder than it looks when that curly life gets in the way. Do something everyday that recharges the batteries.

Contribute.

This for me is linked to my core values. Contribution has long been a value that informs my personal and professional life. I have done charity and community work in a range of settings. I volunteer. I chose a helping profession. I teach. I coach. This year contribution will extend beyond my family and friends and work. I will find new avenues to contribute to my community and the environment. For me this is non-negotiable. It is why the need to recharge and create balance is so important so there is energy for contribution. To me it is such a core part of who I am and how I interact with others and my environment it has to be included.

So there you have it. 3 little words with big impact.  These three little words are helping me to make a big decision. To challenge the status quo and to dream bigger for myself and my family. But although big decisions are scary, what better time to make them than the start of another year, when the calendar is empty, the diary pages crisp and the smell of possibility fresh in the air.

”What if I fall? …But darling what if you fly?”

So to you I say, “Happy New Year” (also 3 simple, powerful words). What will you do with it. What is your dream? What if you fly? What are your three little words?

I look forward to sharing my decision with you soon. 

RJ x

Celebrating 2014

As the eve of a new year looms its a good time to reflect and celebrate the year closing. Often the temptation is to focus on the year ahead and set new goals, flirt with resolutions and revisit promises that may have slipped.

What I feel people don't do enough of, is reflect on the year that's drawing to a close. What was the highlight? What moments stand out? What friendships were made? What changes did you note in yourself? What milestones did your family celebrate? Who was there for you when you needed them? What did you enjoy the most about work? What did you learn this year? What did you contribute to the world, to others and your loved ones? What brought you happiness? What are you grateful for? What challenge are you glad you have passed? What did you achieve? These kinds of questions help to focus on what's been important, what's shaped you and your environment this year and how you have grown. 364 days ago you would likely have not predicted the answers to these questions.
How could you. As we know life is curly and that's the truth behind this little journey we are on together.

I'm looking forward to another new and curly year and I am excited at the prospect of a fresh diary to fill with fun and interesting challenges and adventures. But for tonight I'm going to be mindful of the year that's drawing to a close. 2014 which has bought me career challenge, personal accomplishment, a refreshed love of writing, cherished time with my family, a daughter, new friends, and new learning.

I wish all my readers a safe and happy end to 2014 and time to reflect on the journey to here. Tomorrow is a new year and there'll be time enough to focus on that then.

Warmly, RJ

In the emotional wake ....

In the emotional wake of events such as those we have seen in the now traumatised heart of Sydney this week, it's natural that the ripple of varied emotions is felt across the nation. Some feel sad, others angry, many feel fear and most shock and disbelief.

Two weeks ago I was in Martin Place for work. I visited the now infamous cafe and watched the busy morning rush go by. Yesterday, like many, I watched the news coverage of the siege in disbelief. This morning I am saddened that lives were lost. I'm effected at the thought of their loved ones left behind and I'm concerned for all those involved directly and indirectly. It will be an event which leaves permanent emotional and psychological wounds, much as the massacre in Port Aurthur did in 1996. 

Having lived throught the aftermath felt in Tasmania in the late 1990s, what makes my concern in 2014 even more prominent is the wave of social media and live media coverage of the events as they unfolded. I could hardly believe when the live video feed of the seige "gunfight" showed up in my feed this morning without warning. 

It lead me to wonder how this new type of coverage may impact that emotional wake left by these random, shocking and now televised live violent attacks. Are we all now witnesses who are vulnerable to a trauma response? What I do know is that this event will leave a wake and I thought I'd make comment on the emotional and psychological aspect.

Traditionally what we have known about psychological impact following such attacks is those who have experienced or witnessed an event such as this siege in Sydney may go into a state of acute stress reaction. 

They/you may feel one or all of these symptoms:

• Recurring thoughts of the incident

• Becoming afraid of everything

• Not leaving the house or going to public places

• Stopiing usual functioning, no longer maintaining daily routines

• Survivor guilt — "Why did I survive? I should have done something more."

• Tremendous sense of loss

• Reluctance to express feelings

• Loss of a sense of control over life

Coping with the aftermath

It's important to reflect on how you are feeling in the wake of these events, even if you were not directly involved. Understand that all these feelings - fear, outrage, anger, sadness, disbelief and so on, are normal reactions to an abnormal situation. If these events trigger memories and responses from previous traumas then that is also an expected response and should be validated. Talk to others about your reactions and ask for assistance as needed. Mental health professionals and counsellors are trained to deal with these responses. Make efforts to maintain normal routines. Limit your exposure to media coverage and social media feeds which continue the exposure to the event. Know children and others can be vicariously traumatised by live media footage and violent images as well as conversations they overhear about the event. 

Recognise that the nature of these attacks by extreme (in this case unstable) individuals creates fear and uncertainty about the future. Continue to focus on all the aspects and areas of your life you can control rather than those outside your sphere of control. 

Responses other than trauma

In addition to the outpouring of great sadness, we are also witnessing a heightened anger, particularly towards minority groups which may be associated unfairly with the assailant.  Xenophobia — fear or hatred of strangers or foreigners — can be heightened under a terrorist threat and can become a social and psychological danger. The fear generated by terrorism can be exacerbated by a population's diversity if there is distrust between groups, categories and classification of citizens.

It is important to recognise that diversity in a population can be an opportunity for unity and strength. As we have seen with social media campaigns like #illridewithyou, we have an opportunity to make a stand against this type of fear and hatred. 

There are members of our diverse society who have experienced past terrorist incidents. The knowledge and experience they have gained from surviving and coping with these incidents can make them a valuable resource and one I hope we have the political and social courage to call upon.

Seeking assistance 

If you or someone you know are having trouble coping with these events then consider seeking help from a psychologist or other mental health professional. There are many ways to feel traumatised by terrorist incidents, even if you or your family were not directly involved. Psychologists and other licensed mental health professionals are trained to help people cope and take positive steps toward managing their feelings and behaviours. 

In the days that follow my hope is that we look out for one another. Be kind to ourselves as we deal with these events and try to make sense of an inconceivable tragedy  Be kind and tolerant towards all our citizens and learn from those who have survived similar traumas in times past. 

Let's hope for a peaceful time ahead. 

RJ

Grief, Loss and the Unfair

There has been a huge outpouring of sadness this week following the death of Australian cricketer Phil Hughes aged 25 years.  What makes this loss so confronting is a young life cut short, the unexpected events that unfolded, and the collective feeling that it is just so bloody unfair.

The only certain thing in life is that it eventually ends and yet while we are aware that is true, we don’t like to focus on mortality. Life is difficult and healing from tragedy is one of the most difficult challenges we will all face.

I grew up with an older father (52 when I was born) and so for me I was aware that my first experience with grief was likely to be one of the most influential and cherished people in my life when I was young. I remember when he’d fall asleep in his chair watching the cricket and would stop snoring and I’d hold my breath until I heard him start again. Life always seemed so fragile. When I was 16 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent significant treatment. He survived another 7 years and eventually passed away in 2003 when I was 23.  Those precious 7 years were a wonderful gift. One, which many people do not get.

Coping with losing a loved one is one of life's great difficulties.  In fact possibly one of the hardest challenges we have to face. I never thought I’d survive the overwhelming grief brought about by my father’s death. I functioned well enough to support my mother in the early months and then I let myself fall apart. It took a good couple of years to mourn him and during that time, life was pretty tough. I went about daily routines, studied, worked and so forth. But the world felt grey and impossible at times.

It’s been almost 12 years now and I miss him still terribly. I have mourned his death and no longer grieve. I have some memories now of a time without him and I found joy in a world he is no longer a living part. I often dream of him and that’s comforting, but brings a sadness too. I wish he knew my husband, walked me down the isle at my wedding, saw me pregnant, held my babies and was here to see me in my adult life, to see the people he raised in my brother and I. But that was not to be.

Grief is hard. It can consume you. If you have experienced the pain of mourning, you know that any way to ease the loss is welcomed. For some it’s sleep, or substances or medication, or avoidance. For others it’s staying busy or focusing attention on others who share the loss. While our knowledge and study of grief continues to evolve, it's important to note that not everyone grieves the same way: We have individual patterns and outlets for grief.

I remember that even in the days that followed my fathers death, I’d find something slightly funny, then feel terribly guilty that I had felt even a moment of relief from the all consuming heavy-hearted, gut-wrenching loss that filled my days.  And I thought that was kind of mandatory.

Finding peace or even joy in the midst of grief seemed an impossibility -an insult to a loved one I cherished. But as time passed and I sat with the pain long enough I was able to look around and see that joy and life remained.  The world was turning, the sun dawned and set just as before, and I could learn to laugh and feel light along side tears and feelings of great heavy loss.

How do we get comfortable with grief?

There is no one right way. Often, time helps, but it does not guarantee complete healing as the cliché suggests. I remember a friend at the time of my fathers passing, who had also mourned her Dad, saying,  “time doesn't heal all, but it makes it seem different”. For me that helped. Time has changed the grief and loss I feel today but it never completely dissipates. For some it’s a couple of years, for most it’s around five, but for others who lose significant people it can be a lifelong struggle to accept.

Some choose to face grief head on, while others may try to dull the effects.  But completely hiding from grief tends to be a difficult option. One thing is certain; it touches everyone at some point. While nothing will surely ease that inevitable pain, I found the following helped me:

•   Actively mourn. Grief is an inner sense of loss, sadness and emptiness. Mourning is how you express those feelings. Both grief and mourning are natural and necessary parts of the healing process after a loss.

•   Acknowledge your pain. If you don't face your grief, it rebounds stronger. Accept that the pain and loss you're feeling is part of dealing with grief and moving toward a state of healing and acceptance.

•   Seek support. Spending some time alone is fine, but isolation isn't a healthy way to deal with grief. A friend, a confidant, a spiritual figure — all can help you along the journey of healing. Allow loved ones to share in your sorrow or simply be there when you cry.

•   Don't make major decisions. Grief clouds the ability to make sound decisions. I made some absolutely terrible choices while grieving and that compounded the suffering, which followed ten-fold. If possible, postpone big decisions — such as moving, taking a new job, ending or starting relationships or making major financial changes. If you must make decisions right away, seek the input or guidance of trusted loved ones or other close contacts.

•   Take care of yourself. Your will to live and ability to follow normal routines might quickly erode. You can be consumed by grief and mourning without stopping to take care of yourself. Try to get adequate sleep, eat a healthy diet and include physical activity in your daily routine. Consider a medical checkup to make sure your grief isn't adversely affecting your health — especially if you have any existing health conditions.

•   Remember time helps, but might not cure. Time has the ability to make that acute, heart wrenching pain of loss less intense and to make emotions less painful — but feelings of loss and emptiness might never completely go away.  

So as we struggle to accept this collective shock and make sense of the unfairness of a young life cut short. As we try to explain it to children who lost a sporting hero or empathize with a family who lost a son and brother, we cannot help but reflect on death and inevitably life. If nothing we are reminded of its fragility, of its importance and its impermanence.

If you are struggling with feelings of grief and loss speak to your family, GP or call Lifeline 131114

Christmas after the Big D

After separation or divorce there are a lot of curly bits. Some you can straighten a little and other bits remain curly. At this time of year in the lead up to the Holidays it can be very stressful trying to work out arrangements. In my opinion it's once again easier to focus on the children and what is the best for them. I feel this is having the opportunity to spend quality time with as many of their family and loved ones as practicable and not having to feel like they are in a tug of war. This is our 7th Christmas managing this issue so here are a few tips.

1. Establish a regular pattern for big celebrations. You might decide on a split xmas (xmas eve in one house and xmas day in the other) and then alternate each year. Or you might decide to have xmas in one family and new years at the other. Or as we have done we have H from 23rd dec until after new years this year and then alternate this each year with his Dad's family. The other household has a special celebration with him 22/23rd Dec. We've done this for 6 Christmases now and it works really well for him. It means the other family can organise to travel to see family and he isn't being shunted around between places during xmas. The key is to make an agreement and then keep that arrangement a regular pattern so everyone can plan ahead.

2. Discuss Santa and gift giving. As all families are different it's a little hard to make to many recommendations about how you should manage this. We've settled on who ever has H for xmas morning is responsible for "Santa" gifts. The other family has their own gifts which they manage. We've also moved towards a joint gift. Splitting the cost 50/50 between households. This was partly because it was getting over the top to have 2 big gifts and also because we have a good co-parenting relationship these days. We've done a joint bike, ski passes in past years. This year we'll do our own thing but be mindful not to compete with other house...we discuss the wish list and divi up the gifts so that we cover what he wants/needs and don't double up unnecessarily.

3. Focus on 'peace and good will'. We usually have a joint celebration at our xmas handover day. We've done drinks and nibbles, brunch and lunch in the past depending on the time of day. We usually exchange gifts between the families and swap cards/homemade treats for extended family on the other side from H. We figure that it's a good lesson for H to see generosity between his two families. Obviously this is a little 'out there' for blended families and so if there is too much angst or conflict, maybe just a small token of goodwill around the holidays might just break the ice. It was such a small thing 4 years ago which marked a turning point for us.

4. Organise Skype, FaceTime or phonecalls. We organise a convenient time for H to have a Skype call to the other house on Christmas Day. That way it doesn't interrupt the celebration for the family who has him and the family who doesn't knows they will get a special call which they can enjoy without interruption.

5. Don't guilt the kids.  I always find it hard when we don't have H with us for Christmas. It was heartbreaking the first couple of times but it is absolutely NOT okay for him to know that. I always let him see how excited I am for him to see his other family and make a lovely celebration with us before he goes. I speak with him on xmas eve about santa coming and how he'll be celebrating and send him a text the next morning saying I can't wait to hear what Santa brought. Then wait for our Skype later in the day. I always say that I love and miss him, but that it's very exciting he gets to have an extra long christmas with all his family. Obviously acknowledging his feelings whatever they might be is important, but I don't want to contaminate his experience with my own feelings.

It's not easy. Many people find Christmas after divorce or separation a miserable time of year. Depression rates actually rise for many groups of people as a response to celebrations such as Christmas when they grieve for loved ones not with them. Anything that you have the power to effect to alleviate anguish for others around this time of year seems a no-brainer to me. Even when you have a difficult relationship with the other parent - remember you liked them enough once upon a time to conceive a child - helps to be a little more understanding. Good luck :)