Grief, Loss and the Unfair

There has been a huge outpouring of sadness this week following the death of Australian cricketer Phil Hughes aged 25 years.  What makes this loss so confronting is a young life cut short, the unexpected events that unfolded, and the collective feeling that it is just so bloody unfair.

The only certain thing in life is that it eventually ends and yet while we are aware that is true, we don’t like to focus on mortality. Life is difficult and healing from tragedy is one of the most difficult challenges we will all face.

I grew up with an older father (52 when I was born) and so for me I was aware that my first experience with grief was likely to be one of the most influential and cherished people in my life when I was young. I remember when he’d fall asleep in his chair watching the cricket and would stop snoring and I’d hold my breath until I heard him start again. Life always seemed so fragile. When I was 16 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent significant treatment. He survived another 7 years and eventually passed away in 2003 when I was 23.  Those precious 7 years were a wonderful gift. One, which many people do not get.

Coping with losing a loved one is one of life's great difficulties.  In fact possibly one of the hardest challenges we have to face. I never thought I’d survive the overwhelming grief brought about by my father’s death. I functioned well enough to support my mother in the early months and then I let myself fall apart. It took a good couple of years to mourn him and during that time, life was pretty tough. I went about daily routines, studied, worked and so forth. But the world felt grey and impossible at times.

It’s been almost 12 years now and I miss him still terribly. I have mourned his death and no longer grieve. I have some memories now of a time without him and I found joy in a world he is no longer a living part. I often dream of him and that’s comforting, but brings a sadness too. I wish he knew my husband, walked me down the isle at my wedding, saw me pregnant, held my babies and was here to see me in my adult life, to see the people he raised in my brother and I. But that was not to be.

Grief is hard. It can consume you. If you have experienced the pain of mourning, you know that any way to ease the loss is welcomed. For some it’s sleep, or substances or medication, or avoidance. For others it’s staying busy or focusing attention on others who share the loss. While our knowledge and study of grief continues to evolve, it's important to note that not everyone grieves the same way: We have individual patterns and outlets for grief.

I remember that even in the days that followed my fathers death, I’d find something slightly funny, then feel terribly guilty that I had felt even a moment of relief from the all consuming heavy-hearted, gut-wrenching loss that filled my days.  And I thought that was kind of mandatory.

Finding peace or even joy in the midst of grief seemed an impossibility -an insult to a loved one I cherished. But as time passed and I sat with the pain long enough I was able to look around and see that joy and life remained.  The world was turning, the sun dawned and set just as before, and I could learn to laugh and feel light along side tears and feelings of great heavy loss.

How do we get comfortable with grief?

There is no one right way. Often, time helps, but it does not guarantee complete healing as the cliché suggests. I remember a friend at the time of my fathers passing, who had also mourned her Dad, saying,  “time doesn't heal all, but it makes it seem different”. For me that helped. Time has changed the grief and loss I feel today but it never completely dissipates. For some it’s a couple of years, for most it’s around five, but for others who lose significant people it can be a lifelong struggle to accept.

Some choose to face grief head on, while others may try to dull the effects.  But completely hiding from grief tends to be a difficult option. One thing is certain; it touches everyone at some point. While nothing will surely ease that inevitable pain, I found the following helped me:

•   Actively mourn. Grief is an inner sense of loss, sadness and emptiness. Mourning is how you express those feelings. Both grief and mourning are natural and necessary parts of the healing process after a loss.

•   Acknowledge your pain. If you don't face your grief, it rebounds stronger. Accept that the pain and loss you're feeling is part of dealing with grief and moving toward a state of healing and acceptance.

•   Seek support. Spending some time alone is fine, but isolation isn't a healthy way to deal with grief. A friend, a confidant, a spiritual figure — all can help you along the journey of healing. Allow loved ones to share in your sorrow or simply be there when you cry.

•   Don't make major decisions. Grief clouds the ability to make sound decisions. I made some absolutely terrible choices while grieving and that compounded the suffering, which followed ten-fold. If possible, postpone big decisions — such as moving, taking a new job, ending or starting relationships or making major financial changes. If you must make decisions right away, seek the input or guidance of trusted loved ones or other close contacts.

•   Take care of yourself. Your will to live and ability to follow normal routines might quickly erode. You can be consumed by grief and mourning without stopping to take care of yourself. Try to get adequate sleep, eat a healthy diet and include physical activity in your daily routine. Consider a medical checkup to make sure your grief isn't adversely affecting your health — especially if you have any existing health conditions.

•   Remember time helps, but might not cure. Time has the ability to make that acute, heart wrenching pain of loss less intense and to make emotions less painful — but feelings of loss and emptiness might never completely go away.  

So as we struggle to accept this collective shock and make sense of the unfairness of a young life cut short. As we try to explain it to children who lost a sporting hero or empathize with a family who lost a son and brother, we cannot help but reflect on death and inevitably life. If nothing we are reminded of its fragility, of its importance and its impermanence.

If you are struggling with feelings of grief and loss speak to your family, GP or call Lifeline 131114

Christmas after the Big D

After separation or divorce there are a lot of curly bits. Some you can straighten a little and other bits remain curly. At this time of year in the lead up to the Holidays it can be very stressful trying to work out arrangements. In my opinion it's once again easier to focus on the children and what is the best for them. I feel this is having the opportunity to spend quality time with as many of their family and loved ones as practicable and not having to feel like they are in a tug of war. This is our 7th Christmas managing this issue so here are a few tips.

1. Establish a regular pattern for big celebrations. You might decide on a split xmas (xmas eve in one house and xmas day in the other) and then alternate each year. Or you might decide to have xmas in one family and new years at the other. Or as we have done we have H from 23rd dec until after new years this year and then alternate this each year with his Dad's family. The other household has a special celebration with him 22/23rd Dec. We've done this for 6 Christmases now and it works really well for him. It means the other family can organise to travel to see family and he isn't being shunted around between places during xmas. The key is to make an agreement and then keep that arrangement a regular pattern so everyone can plan ahead.

2. Discuss Santa and gift giving. As all families are different it's a little hard to make to many recommendations about how you should manage this. We've settled on who ever has H for xmas morning is responsible for "Santa" gifts. The other family has their own gifts which they manage. We've also moved towards a joint gift. Splitting the cost 50/50 between households. This was partly because it was getting over the top to have 2 big gifts and also because we have a good co-parenting relationship these days. We've done a joint bike, ski passes in past years. This year we'll do our own thing but be mindful not to compete with other house...we discuss the wish list and divi up the gifts so that we cover what he wants/needs and don't double up unnecessarily.

3. Focus on 'peace and good will'. We usually have a joint celebration at our xmas handover day. We've done drinks and nibbles, brunch and lunch in the past depending on the time of day. We usually exchange gifts between the families and swap cards/homemade treats for extended family on the other side from H. We figure that it's a good lesson for H to see generosity between his two families. Obviously this is a little 'out there' for blended families and so if there is too much angst or conflict, maybe just a small token of goodwill around the holidays might just break the ice. It was such a small thing 4 years ago which marked a turning point for us.

4. Organise Skype, FaceTime or phonecalls. We organise a convenient time for H to have a Skype call to the other house on Christmas Day. That way it doesn't interrupt the celebration for the family who has him and the family who doesn't knows they will get a special call which they can enjoy without interruption.

5. Don't guilt the kids.  I always find it hard when we don't have H with us for Christmas. It was heartbreaking the first couple of times but it is absolutely NOT okay for him to know that. I always let him see how excited I am for him to see his other family and make a lovely celebration with us before he goes. I speak with him on xmas eve about santa coming and how he'll be celebrating and send him a text the next morning saying I can't wait to hear what Santa brought. Then wait for our Skype later in the day. I always say that I love and miss him, but that it's very exciting he gets to have an extra long christmas with all his family. Obviously acknowledging his feelings whatever they might be is important, but I don't want to contaminate his experience with my own feelings.

It's not easy. Many people find Christmas after divorce or separation a miserable time of year. Depression rates actually rise for many groups of people as a response to celebrations such as Christmas when they grieve for loved ones not with them. Anything that you have the power to effect to alleviate anguish for others around this time of year seems a no-brainer to me. Even when you have a difficult relationship with the other parent - remember you liked them enough once upon a time to conceive a child - helps to be a little more understanding. Good luck :)

Child-proofing friendships

• v child-proof make safe against children "childproof the apartment"

A Curly Life reader emailed me a week ago to ask advice about maintaining friendships when parenting styles differ and navigating the treacherous path of maintaining friendships when children enter the relationship too. I think that this is definitely more than a one-post topic. So tonight I'm going to deal with just the first issue which is women need their friendships with other women, especially when they become parents.

The science clearly demonstrates that there is an evolutionary need for women to have close friendships with other women. I didn't really subscribe to this fact until I became a mother in my late 20s. I grew up with a brother and had mostly male friends in my early childhood years. My best friend was a girl and we are still best friends 30 years on, but still through my adolescence and early adulthood, I moved in male dominated circles and apart from a handful of girlfriends I had not recognised that women actually 'need' other women. We are wired that way.

For an easy to read account of the research in this area "The Tending Instinct" written by Shelly Taylor focuses on nurturing and a recurrent theme in this work which is, that women's friendships serve to protect them and their children. She describes a new take on old evolutionary theory which focused on what the Alpha males were up to, and demonstrates through numerous studies that in the face of danger or potential threat rather than fight or flight women group in order to provide social support and protect their young. It also served to ensure the continuation of their genetics. 

In modern society this makes sense. We can see the intuitive validity of this research as it plays out in the thousands of mothers groups, playgroups, and virtual mums communities around the country. My 'mummy friends' have been a lifeline since having children and my friendships with women in general have deepened in the last decade. As a community of women we may not 'huddle together in the tree tops' like our primate sisters to avoid being the victims of a violent baboon troop...except we kind of do. 

We go pram walking and talking, do mother and baby exercise, have deep and meaningful chats over coffee (or wine), form mothers groups or new mums groups, or book clubs, or online forum groups or FaceBook groups....whatever way we can we seek out other women and build social support networks to 'survive'. 

So if we accept this premise that we are 'wired' to group together with other women, especially when children are involved and that by doing so we improve the quality of our lives, are happier, increase our life expectancy, decrease stress and depression, improve self-esteem and health outcomes, (all demonstrated in various studies) what appears to be the problem?

The Problem

The problem is that humans are paradoxical. While friendships with other women can be our greatest source of strength and nurturing, they can also be our greatest undoing when they fail. And nothing can bring a friendship between two women crashing down to the ground faster than a criticism of their parenting/mothering or unjust treatment of their offspring. 

When two or more women became entangled in a parenting tug-of-war each tends to become defensive and protective of their children and their parenting approach. This is mostly intuitive and interestingly when the 'threat' is assessed as another woman or mother, the response is not group together as described by Taylor, it's more what I would describe as a traditional fight or flight response. At this point they may say or think "I'm not sticking around here to be insulted/disrespected/criticised..."(Flight) or "How dare she criticise me/my child/I'll give her a piece of my mind..."(Fight). At this point the behavioural response will be to either avoid the other woman and in extreme cases terminate the friendship or engage in a more antagonistic 'battle' of parenting wills and again risk losing a friendship. 

So the question I think worth asking is "how do we child-proof our friendships with other women?" that is, how do we continue to build a strong community of women and 'group' to provide social support and nurturing to each other and our children without risking our friendships?

A Suggestion 

I think a good starting point might be a few basic principles: 

1. Make investments to the 'friend bank'. Over the years I've enjoyed some wonderful 'low maintenance' friendships. You know the ones, where you can go months without speaking and then when you do it's just like yesterday. The reason some of my friendships have survived and morphed into these is that the 'friend bank' was already full. Years of good quality investment together means that they stand strong even when separated by time or physical distance. That's not to say that you shouldn't continue to invest time, love and attention into friendships that you feel are already strong. A healthy 'friend bank' means that when you do hit a rough patch, you have more "good will" to balance the scales. 

2. Respect reciprocity. No-one minds when a relationship has to be a little one-sided. For whatever reason one person needs the extra support, more time discussing their issues, more visits in their home, more love, more attention, more nurturing. But when the swings and roundabouts don't even out and either party is left feeling the give but no take...you enter high risk territory, where any kind of rift will be felt more strongly. Be mindful that you keep the equilibrium in your friendships. 

3. Respect diversity. A fabulous life principle, but in this case, respect that we all parent differently. In our own way, based on our own values, beliefs, resources and experience. If you keep in mind that everyone is doing their best it is easier to overlook minor differences. Extreme differences of opinion or approach, for example 'smacking versus no-smacking' will still cause tension in even the closest relationship. When this does occur it's more helpful to acknowledge the difference exists and accept that you will not agree on all issues than to ignore it or argue. By having trusted and open conversations about your own choices where the other person feels their opinion is valid and they are respected will often open up new ways of thinking and viewing the problem, e.g.., effective discipline. 

4. Establish the 'ground rules'. I have found over the years that through good dialogue you can establish the "common parenting ground" with other people. That is, what do you share similar views on or common approaches to. You can also establish the points of difference. The importance of this is that it helps set the ground rules. That is, what is fair and reasonable to expect of each other in terms of parenting support, response to each others children etc. For example, when I'm responsible for my friend "Mandy's" children at playdates or sleepovers I have a pretty clear idea about how she parents and what expectation there is of me while I have her children: I'll keep them safe, meet all their security needs (warmth, food, etc), notify her of any problems that occur and on a good day ensure they have something fun and entertaining to do. If her children are doing something dangerous that's likely to harm themselves or others then I would be expected to correct the behaviour in accordance with my own parenting style (which we've already established). Anything beyond that and I'm treading in dangerous territory. If in doubt I always call and check the 'ground rules'.  

5. Forgive minor lapses. We all have bad parenting days and bad friend days. We put our foot in our mouth or give unsolicited advice, or make a bad judgement or a thoughtless remark. We are all human and therefore we make mistakes. Don't fall foul of the fundamental attribution error and think that when other people do so, it's characteristic of them being a 'bad friend' or a 'bad mother', and ignore the context. My advice is just chalk minor lapses up as human and move on. 

I think that these five principles at least pave the way to child-proofing your friendships and that's an excellent basis to then deal with the inevitable challenges that come from needing other mothers for support but wanting the autonomy to do the 'mothering' our own way. In the end it's all curly but having friends to share the curliness with will make a world of difference. 

If you'd like to contribute ideas or suggestions on this or any other topic, feel free to email me at drbecjackson@gmail.com. 

Time to start new Christmas traditions

It's difficult to believe it's only 5 more weeks until Christmas. I LOVE Christmas and this year will be  very special as it's our first with all three of the children and baby daughter's very first Christmas.  My Husband and I have enjoyed discussing over the last couple of years how we would like to celebrate the holiday season and what sorts of traditions we'd like to start. We discussed our favourite aspects of Christmas growing up and the traditions we'd each like to uphold as well as new traditions we'd like to start to put our own spin on this celebration.

In my house we used to have "The night before Christmas" read on Christmas Eve. Sometimes we'd watch a Christmas movie. We'd have carols playing and we'd leave a treat out for santa - usually fruitcake and sherry or port. We'd hang our stockings in the family room close to the tree and have a special dinner followed by my nanna's famous trifle. My brother used to sleep in my room and we'd be so excited we could hardly stand it and we'd swear we could hear sleigh bells during the night. We'd wake up early, but have to stay in bed until we heard Dad get up, then we'd race out to the family room to check out the stockings. Santa would have filled our stockings and left one gift for each of us, the rest was from Mum and Dad. He'd always leave cake crumbs and a sip of drink and a half dozen jellybeans on the plate. As we got older, we'd endure the painful ritual of breakfast first and then gifts, but as little ones we'd do stockings, then breakfast and then the christmas tree. Then we'd play with our gifts while mum organised lunch. We'd have a special lunch and then sleep in the afternoon and then have leftovers for dinner. Boxing Day was always leftovers and watching the Boxing Day test on TV. We only had the four of us for christmas as we lived interstate from our extended family but we loved it and have fond memories of our time together.

My Husband's family also love Christmas. They usually travelled to spend Christmas with his grandparents and would share a room with cousins on Christmas Eve. They had their stockings in their bedrooms and were allowed to open them when they woke (Which was very early). Then when the adults surfaced they would do breakfast and christmas tree later in the day with the extended family. As years went by the main extended gathering became christmas night to allow for growing families to move between households. Christmas was a larger gathering in his house than mine but similar in terms of love of celebration. So we've melded a few of our favourite traditions and added a few of our own and we can't wait to see how it all comes together this year. Including an elf who will be performing random acts of kindness from 1st Dec and encouraging the kids to do the same, new PJs for everyone christmas eve, a neighbourhood elf, a potted christmas tree, and DIY gifts.

But even Christmas is prone to a little curliness. When my husband and I met five years ago, it was a few weeks before Christmas and our third 'date' was Christmas day with his family. His entire family!! It was an absolute hoot and so much bigger than any Christmas gathering I'd experienced. Since then we've tried various combinations to ensure we see both sides of our family for Christmas Day and juggle our eldest son H, who has christmas with his Dad every alternate year. It's become quite a juggle and not feasible to drive 6 hours with 3 kids on Christmas Day. So for the first time this year our little family of five is having Christmas at home.

We are very excited that for the first time we get to have Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day in one place and make memories for our own children. While we are excited  - it's caused some angst across our extended family. Many of my friends have also said they have similar issues trying to juggle all the extended family on both sides who want to share in the day. Some of my friends go to crazy lengths, starting the day at 5am and travelling around 4 or 5 different events before the day is through.  By the end of the day the children are beside themselves and so are the adults and everyone breaths a sigh of relief. If you are thinking this sounds like you too -  maybe it's time to have a think about how you'd like to celebrate the day and what sort of memories you'd like to create for your own family in the years ahead. This year we'll see all our extended, curly family over the Christmas week and be able to enjoy a more relaxed day at home, sharing our own traditions and fun. We can have bubbly at breakfast because we don't have to drive, take our time opening gifts, watch Christmas DVDs in our PJS and make our own Christmas feast. I think if we all extend just a touch of understanding to others and respect that we all like to celebrate our own occasions differently and make our own memories, we'd enjoy holiday season much more and be relieved of some unnecessary pressure. And hey if it extends the celebrations by a few extra days, isn't that a wonderful thing?

If you are interested in a fun new tradition  - Follow link below to see some great ideas for "elfing" with your kids. We are going to have a go of this in our neighbourhood this year and see if it catches on.

http://makingmemorieswithyourkids.com/2011/11/youve-been-elfed-and-free-printables/

*Image curtesy of HuffingtonPost

Roller skating towards 90 in style

So this morning over coffee with my gorgeous 'grandfather-in-law' I was reminded that life is such a precious gift. Every day is of value and we shouldn't waste them. I don't mean that to sound cliche. Here's what happened.

I was breastfeeding my daughter and chatting with my husband's 89-year old grandfather. My son was playing on the swings with my MIL and "grads" and I were just shooting the breeze. We were chatting about my 5 1/2 hour drive in the car yesterday to visit my hubby's family, while he's working this week. We try to visit a few times a year. The distance is always irritating but we do it when we can. I was regailing him with the challenges of long car rides with a toddler and a baby and the stop at the weird drop toilet which required nursing bub and wrangling toddles while trying to keep balance, breastfeeding at the emergency only stopping spot on the side of the highway and wondering if a screaming 5month old classified as an "emergency", and  the ice cream bribe to stop toddler attempting to scream louder than his sister and so on. Grads sympathetically listened and chuckled at my expense and then our conversation turned to his love of roller skating. I love how that random Segway happens. I had never heard this so was soaking up a new set of stories.

He was telling me about how he loved it as a teenager and a young man in England. How when he moved to Australia he was delighted when a Roller Rink opened up just down the road and how he loved that a live orchestra used to play in the centre of the rink and he'd spend hours skating around. He said others would figure skate to the music, but he delighted in going as fast as he could around the outside. He gave up skating for many years and then in his late 50s he saw an add for a new rink opening in his area and called in hired some skates and gave it a go. He said he felt like a kid again frustrated and awkward but in just an hour was crisscrossing around with all the 'young ones'. He said it re-ignited an old joy and over the years that followed he went skating numerous times. Only just last month he decided he may not get back on them - he's 89. He took them to the local op shop and they said we don't have much call for rollerskates - no one will want them. My heart sank. "They were proper skates love, attached to boots you know?" Here's my gorgeous Grads nearly 90 and he's only just parted with his skates.

We then moved to talking about his 90th birthday approaching and he mentions he hopes he'll be here to celebrate it with us. He's spritely and in very good health for his age, so the comment at first seems misplaced. To me. It's only 5 months away I think - of course he'll be here. Then I reflect that it must look different to him. We take for granted that we'll all be here in 5 months time. We put things off 6 months or a year without a second thought. We deliberate for a few weeks or procrastinate for a few months and it seems like no big deal in our 30s. Then I look down at my daughter.  she's 5 months today! Where has that time gone. She was only born yesterday wasn't she? Now she's rolling and giggling and trying to sit by herself. She's pulling her knees beneath her and pushing her brother away when he blows raspberries on her tummy.  It then strikes me hard. In 5 months my daughter has lived her whole lifetime and 5 more months seems like a fragile gift to Grads, one that will see him reach 90 years of age. What is 5months really? What will I do in 5 months? What could I do?

Time is such a funny thing. It does seem to speed up as we get older. But it doesn't. It's just perspective. To me, my daughter and to Grads, it's all the same in reality. A day is a day. How we use it is what makes the difference. Whether it's learning to crawl, skating as fast as we can or making the effort to visit loved ones far away- its a day. We have traded 24 life hours for today. Have we made the most of them? I want to be like my daughter and see each day as a new adventure and an opportunity to learn, but I also want to be like my grads  and treat each day as a precious  gift which I'm grateful for and where I can spend time in reflection with those i love and eat choc chip cookies without guilt (which I did with his encouragement). Because tnis curly thing called time will never be slowed, it keeps on moving and all we know is we have right now. So eat the cookie, play on the swings instead of watching. Learn something new. Visit someone far away. Celebrate today. And don't hang up your rollerskates until you want to.